The Latecomers

It was 10 in the morning when I woke up with a headache. I could not think properly. I felt my body was stuffed with everything I had talked or everything I had drank or eaten. My conscious mind warned me but I indulged myself and drank with my friends even though alcohol is not my favourite pastime. Now I felt guilty. I felt guilty about my mom who passed away, I felt guilty about my life, and I felt guilty about everything.

I got out of my room and looked around in the house. I suddenly felt weak and melancholic because there was as much sheer desperation as never before. There were no people in our house and it was more like a ghost house. My sister had gone to her work. I did not have a good relationship with her as we had had in our childhood – in fact, there was little communication between us and if we did, it’d be a fight.

We had been close siblings – in the dense small family of four members, we were more of friends than brother and sister. This fragile little world was gradually abraded by everything that was followed by the sudden death of our father –and now our mother.

I had a glass of water. Cold water climbed down through my dry throat but the row I had with my sister last night cannot be swallowed with the cold water. Her words still echoed around:

“Mom has just died. Do you want to know why our mother died? It is money! We don’t have the money to give her the treatment she required. You should quit having fun with your bastard friends and find a job,” she shouted at me resentfully when I reached home after drinking with my friends.

“Who said I don’t’ want to work? I am just unemployed,” I murmured.

“You are unemployed and you still had money for drinks? Three years you’ve been wasting your time,” she said.

The drink had clouded my memory. I did not remember what happened next. Maybe I’d shouted “I’ve been finding a job!” or just said “Shut up!” Maybe we would have shouted at each other for a while. All I remembered was she was as furious as I, and I could still see her eyes that were brimmed with tears. I wished we had not shouted at each other and fought like we ever did. I had decided to be a good brother or I somehow wanted to show her I was something she could rely on or respect. Everything was stuck in the first step – getting a job.

“I must get a job,” I murmured to myself. I couldn’t let things going on.

I did not want to think anymore and left for the tea shop as this is a part of my daily life. There were a few people in the tea shop as I went in for breakfast. I did not find anyone I know. Maybe it was early for them. I lit a cigarette and ponder the future ahead – gloomy and disabling everything of me. I had not thought about my future much. Now it had changed.

I thought a lot about my future as I gazed into people in the street. Every single thought flew away came back to or metamorphosed into what was the very center of my thoughts –how to get a decent job and settle down. I was thinking to be an entrepreneur but I needed money to start my own business. An old friend with whom I had been friends since childhood popped up on my mind. He had worked in Malaysia for two years and I thought I could ask for his advice. Or, specifically, to ask for his financial help.

I called his number. The same voice that I was familiar with two years ago answered.  Not meeting or talking for a long time could not attenuate our friendship. It was the only friendship I had that lasted after childhood. We could not talk everything on phone. He told me to meet him at the restaurant tonight. I said okay and hung up. I went back home and slept all day. Sleeping was the best way to kill your time especially when you have nothing to do. It was getting dark when I reached the small restaurant where my friend was waiting for me. It was rather a cheap restaurant with cheap rum and other cheap alcoholic beverages.

“It’s very tiring, you know, I worked in a factory there,” he said, “I had to work like a dog. If I don’t do overtime, I won’t be able to send money to my parents. Finally I quit and came back.”

As soon as we poured rum into both of our glasses, he talked about his previous work in Malaysia. It amazed me because I did not ask him. It seemed like he himself wanted to tell someone voluntarily about it. So I listened to him.

“Factory? You are a graduate. Didn’t you find a job in …” I paused, I was selecting words.

“A job in an office?”

“Yes. Can’t you find?”

He laughed as if releasing something that was disguised under for a long time.

“I am a graduate here, but not there. Nobody gave a shit what is my education. I went there illegally. But don’t tell it anybody. It’s a secret,”

“Alright, I won’t.”

“Tell me what are you doing now?”

 “Almost nothing. My mom had just passed away and I have to work now or else I will starve to death,”

“That sucks! I went abroad because I know there is no job prospect for me here.”

We graduated in the same year majoring in philosophy – people said, because of no job prospect for this major, only fools would choose this major and yes, we were fool enough. We just followed what we wanted to learn after we knew our matriculation marks were not high enough to enroll in so-called safe-for-life universities such as Medical College. He risked working abroad and I stubbornly stayed here to find a job or, as people might callously comment, wasted the precious time of my youth.

“That’s my problem. Been three years looking for a job. I don’t have enough money to set up my own business,” I said resentfully, even the food I ate was not tasteful just as this thought came.

I continued, “I really hate that when people say ‘I don’t have a job or I don’t work’, they just see that. I am really tired of trying to get one. My sister thinks I am lazy and I don’t want to work like everybody does. This is so wrong. The first thing in my mind when I wake up in the morning is how to get a job, how to get money. I understand, as a man, I could not survive without a job. But nobody wants to hire me. When I went to a job interview, there would be a sea of people waiting with goddamn certificates. I did not have any certificate and my degree is not something the employer wants. One job vacancy and more than hundred people! What I know for sure is they wouldn’t hire me. At the moment, it felt like falling into a hole that I don’t know what is at the bottom, just falling down,” I gulped down my drink and continued, “I am really depressed right now,” I sighed.

My friend looked at me solemnly as if sipping my words.

“Maybe you should give up searching for a white-collar job and try realistic one instead.”

I had thought about it long ago. I never let myself realize that though. Beneath my dignity. Which was nullified by the series of question in my mind: ‘where or what is my dignity’. He continued,

“It will be difficult for me too. I did not have much money with me. You won’t believe. I drank there and did not save.”

“Really?”

I found myself unable to say anything when I heard that. That really disappointed me. I discreetly hoped he would lend some money to me and then it’d be the start of my own business. Now it washed away my hope.

“It is stress. I drank because of stress in the work.” He said as if explaining his fault.

“That’s funny, we are completely opposite. I always say I drink because I am under a lot of pressure. I don’t have a job. That puts me under pressure.”

We burst out into laughter. We were slightly drunk.

“Whatever, tonight we are drinking till we pass out. Don’t give a shit to anything.”

As we drank, our conversation shifted from one thing to another – football, money, girls and even politics.

“Tell me changes in our country. When I was in Malaysia, they asked me about our country and I did not know more than they. It’s embarrassing!” my friend told me.

“It’s not changing much as the media think but it showed some paces. That’s all.”

“If we have democracy, we will have growth and development, won’t we?”

 I was allergic to such words as democracy, transparency, and politics while I was not having a stable life. Normally I’d shut my mouth and just nod but now I was drunk. Willing to have an argument.

 “Come on, we don’t even have a job. That means we don’t have money. I am feeling like shit when people are shouting democracy and human rights and so on. For me, I need a job, I need money. That’s all I want,” I said.

“Democracy will give you everything,” my friend said.

“We want democracy because the current system is unfair. But no God or saint will give it to you. So you can’t just hope even if you got democracy. Have to struggle.”

My friend nodded.

“I know that. I wish I would be born to a rich family. When you have enough money, you can use it as a magnet to draw more money. Life won’t be too difficult. You can be a douche bag but you will have a good life in the end.”

After finishing our last drinks, we were quite drunk. Before leaving, he said,

“I lied to you. My money was stolen in Malaysia. I did not drink.”

 It rendered me speechless. As we left, I find myself unable to walk home. But I have to save as much money as I can. The roads were teeming with buses and cars. There were many people waiting for a bus and some already in buses. They wanted to go back home from their work surely. Unlike me, they had jobs. I cried:

“They have jobs!”

Maybe some of them had been under a lot of stress from their work and were going to commit suicide when they reach home. But they were still luckier than me. Their family would worry if they were late.

“Congratulations people,” I fell somewhere and was not able to get up. It was warm and safe hugging me tightly to her chest like my mother used to give me strength with her beautiful arms.

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                “Welcome sir!”

I greeted the fat man with a smile as I was taught to do. I opened the door of his glamorous newly-imported car. His spend on dinner in this restaurant would be more than my salary. I wondered when I would have enough money to buy this car. Maybe some point in my life, maybe never.

My friend was true. I finally made a pragmatic decision which could at least feed me. But I did not know how to mention my job, parking lot security in a restaurant when I met with my old friends. I was still looking for the smart job or a chance to be an entrepreneur. But I was just unsmart for the time being.

                                                                                                                           

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