"I need to get up"
He was sitting on the sofa. The stroke he had been suffering for more than a decade left the left side of his body paralyzed, he always needs someone to help him when he gets up of the sofa, when he goes to the bathroom and whatever he does. He sometimes wondered if he'd ever be able to wander around the town like he did before.
"I am gonna pee! Somebody gets me off the sofa. Goddamn it!"
It made all the family members rendered speechless when the Grandpa finally has done urinating on the sofa. His son and other two grandsons did help him to get up but their attempts had obviously failed.
They, then, took him to his room to change his clothes. All the family union and the meal had been ruined in just a split second, no one has enough strength to make any comment.
Grandpa can be regarded as the man who spends most of his life sitting. He worked as a government officer and needed to stick to a chair all day long. So when he got retirement, he had made commitment to daily walking which lasted for only five years. Now, he had to either sleep in the bed or sit on the sofa in the living room. It became very difficult for him even to walk in the house. Because of his health, one of his family members had to look after all the time but finally they gave up looking after the old man and decided to hire a maid for Grandpa.
It was one of the sunny days at the weekend and Grandpa was very happy to live in such a weekend day because everyone in the house were not going to their respective work, school or university leaving him alone with a maid and a TV turning on all the time in case he watched it. At first, he was pretty interested in some TV programs and indulged himself in watching television all the time. Only later, he found that he wanted to talk to or listen to real humans to whom he felt kind and warm enough to share his feelings and ideas so decided not to watch it too often. His nervous system, on the other hand, didn’t allow him to.
In this weekend, everybody was free so Grandpa started searching a partner to have a conversation with. When he saw his oldest grandson, a university student of twenty years old, he tried to talk to him assuming that he was the right person. His grandson sat on the sofa beside the one he was sitting with a book in his hand.
“Do you know Mr. Fletcher?”
“No who is it?” the grandson replied, a bit puzzled by the strange name.
“He is my professor. He is very good at teaching. Once he explained the lessons, you will fully understand. Do you get the chance to study under him?”
“Dad, how will the teacher of your time still work in the university? Come on, be realistic!” his daughter interrupted as she was dusting the settees in the living room.
“Why? He was just working when I left the university. Maybe he is still working there.”
“You are an eighty-five-year old. Guess how old your teacher is. Presumably, he is rest in heaven.”
Grandpa didn’t say anything just nodding his head gently as if he had learnt something literally new to him.
“Did…… he…… die?”
This is not a question to be answered but an exclamation of mild shock. It comes out naturally when someone finds out something unpleasant and frightened after forgetting it for a long time.
Such silly questions of Grandpa are not much bizarre to his family members. It had been about one year since Grandpa’s memory was lost, he’d regard the maid as his own daughter, he’d tell some ridiculous stories which might probably happen long ago as the yesterday’s events. When his memory became worse, he’d ask someone near him where his mother was or where his children were.
“So your friend is Ko Sein Win, right? He lives on the next street.”
“I have never ever had a friend with this name, Grandpa. And if it was my friend, you have no way to know him.”
Grandpa was only assuming his grandson as his son who was living abroad. He made further questions.
“Isn’t he your friend?” Grandpa said looking straight to his grandson and hoping to talk him back as much as he can. While Grandpa was thinking about to keep the conversation going on, the grandson wondered if he ever finished reading the book with Grandpa talking words of utter nonsense.
“No way!”
His grandson answered it in short and run through the book in order to avoid more silly questions from Grandpa.
“Where is your wife? I didn’t see her around.”
Both Grandpa’s daughter doing chores near them and the grandson himself burst out laughing that somewhat made Grandpa feeling stupid and embarrassing. He didn’t know why they laughed or he simply didn’t realize what was wrong with his question. It made him a bit embarrassed and stupid though. Anyway, whatever came into his mind would soon vanish in not more than two hours. The other person Grandpa chose, afterwards, was his daughter.
“Where is your mother? It’s a long time since I last saw her.”
It sounded like Grandpa suddenly remembered his wife who had passed away ten years ago. His daughter frowned at him as though detecting whether Grandpa was making a joke or something. His daughter, regarded as the one with the most affection for his mother in the family, was really choked with sadness unable to find any word to soothe his father. She felt both terrified and sorry for his father with terribly desperate memory. She didn’t answer anything to his father because Grandpa seemingly forgot his question looking straight at the TV. If only his wife would be together with him.
After a while, his daughter had to wake Grandpa sleeping in front of TV and take him to his room. She was staring at his father, what kind of thing in the world transformed an athletic man into a creep? And barely alive.
The thing Grandpa hate most in the world, weekday came later. He’d wake up early in the morning just to see everyone in the house going out and finally there were only two human beings in the house, he and the maid. The maid wasn’t’ neither a good listener nor a speaker. So all he could do during the day was watching television or sleeping in front of TV. When someone sees him sleeping in front of TV, he or she would make him go to bed but he’d refuse always saying,
“I’d rather like to sleep here. In my room everything is silent. I don’t even know if I am breathing or out of breath. Not like in my room, I am hearing people speaking in the TV.”
When he could not bear sheer boredom, he’d say,
“Who took all my family? Where the hell did they go? Why did they leave me like this? I wanna go out with them.”
In the afternoon after his lunch, somebody he had been waiting for silently visited him. His friend was the only guest who paid a regular visit to him and the same age as him. They had been friends for fifty years. They met in university and they had been in touch since then. His friend was healthier than he was, he never heard of his friend getting any major disease and his friend visits him once or twice a year. When they were young, his friend used to visit him frequently. His friend did not visit him this year at all and he just started to worry whether his friend is alright or not. Actually, he envied his friend a lot. Being able to go where he wants, being healthy is what all the old men long for. Moreover, his friend was the only friend of him who is alive. Almost all their mutual friends died and the two friends seem to be alone in the island surrounded by their grandchildren, sons and daughters who did not know anything about their time- how they passed through their university life, people of their age and their colleagues- that's why both of them were very looking forward to seeing each other.
When he first heard a voice of his friend in the front door way, he couldn’t believe his ears. It was what he’s waiting for. It’s a chance to escape from his life of solitude. His friend was more than a friend to him. He was dying for company. Now it’d be over. He was more than delighted; thousands of thoughts were running through his mind. When they meet, they never run out of things to talk- about their old friends, their experience in university, and their relatives and so on.
"How are things with you these days pal?"
His friend greeted him sitting next to him and putting his hat on the table.
“I am fine despite several illnesses in this year.”
“That’s good, pal. Good to see you in perfect condition.”
“No, not exactly. I am not in the perfect condition. As we grew older, our health is worse”, Grandpa said.
His friend nodded. His friend was skinny and hollow-cheeked; the sign of age emerged significantly in his friend’s appearance too.
“I was suffering terrible diseases two months ago. So I didn’t make it to your house.”
“Now you doin’ well, huh?”
The Grandpa said, frightened by the idea- if his friend couldn’t visit him.
“Yep, I am good. So, where is your family?”
“They are going out. I was alone in this house all the time. I feel like I am a jerk and they like to treat me like a jerk, pal. You know because I am fucking old. I am losing my memory and turn all the things upside down. I sometimes don’t know the number of children I have or whether my wife is alive or not. Then your grandchildren’d treat you like you’re an idiot. That’s it. That’s the life of the old.”
Grandpa sighed as if he had just freed the words of despair that he kept long time ago.
“You are angry with ’em?”
“No, I am not. But I am kind of, you know, upset about everything.”
“I have to admit that I am now having the same situation like you.”
Grandpa was amazed when his friend told this. He thought his friend was having a quality life with his son just arrived abroad.
“Things are hard.”
His friend resumed,
“They don’t want to allow me to do things on my own, you know. I am healthy enough to take a brisk walk but they don’t seem to approve it. Their opinion is that when one’s old, he’d better be sitting in front of their eyes or sleeping in the bed till he dies. There’s no way I agree with such a crazy idea. I’d continue doing what I want till my last breath, right?”
“Yeah, I agree.”
And their conversation shift to their friend’s funeral. His friend said,
“I can’t believe my eyes. I went to her funeral. To my disgust, she was lying in the coffin. Her little body was blue with cold. Guess how many hours she was frozen like chicken in the fridge.”
Grandpa was really sorry for it. He was, actually, imaging how it would be if he died. Scared was it just barely thought!! As they talked about it, their minds went back to the time of their university life. She was one of their friends. Everybody seemed to fancy her. The word “beautiful” can’t be enough for her. She was elegant. Now her remaining body was under the ground feeding worms and bacteria.
They had a long conversation until the blue sky turned to gay and Grandpa’s daughter got back home from work.
“Well”
With a shaky and squeaky voice, his friend said to him.
“It’s a bit dark outside. It’s time I went back to my home.”
There’s a lot to speak between them. Both of them tend to talk more if the time hadn’t passed- their life-long conversation.
“Bye, see you.”
“Bye, hope to see you one day”
One day. It will be on one day. The thought just struck him. Grandpa nodded reluctantly with his eyes full of tears as he tried to get to his foot. His friend also said goodbye to his daughter. Not able to get up, he just had to see his friend going- he didn’t want to ask for help to anyone, it made him somehow disabled.
He had made a lot of thinking after his friend visit. With what purpose was he living? He didn’t know. Nor did everyone know it?
After having half of his dinner- the other half was on the table cloth and on his shirt and longyi, he went straight to his bed. He’d not watched TV for a while or tried to talk to his grandchildren. He wanted to think the conversation he had with his friend again in the bed. Unfortunately, he barely remembered less than five utterances of his friend. What is it to be blamed on?
“Falling asleep is the only way to wake up from this nightmare.”
He said to himself. He didn’t mean to say it. It just came out accidentally. He didn’t know why he said it, maybe he was just used to talking nonsense thing.
“Sleep time. Yeah, that’s it. It’s sleep time.”
He had passed through many times in his life. Childhood, teenage, adult life, university life, his career, marriage life and retirement age. So here was the sleep time when you are supposed to do nothing but sleep. His world came into sleeping when his daughter switched off the light.
On the next morning, he’d be sitting in front of TV and then sleeping. That’s got to be elements that composed of him. He’d be still sleeping in front of TV.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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